To the tune of 100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall ...
100 little bugs in the code,
100 bugs in the code,
Fix one bug, compile it again,
101 little bugs in the code.
101 little bugs in the code ...
Repeat until BUGS = 0
Kamis, 21 Februari 2008
Hints For C Programmers
How to Program in C
- Use lots of global variables.
- Give them cryptic names such as: X27, a_gcl, or Horace.
- Put everything in one large .h file.
- Implement the entire project at once.
- Use macros and #defines to emulate Pascal.
- Assume the compiler takes care of all the little details you didn't quite understand.
- If at all possible, don't. Let someone else do it.
- Change majors.
- Insert/remove blank lines at random spots, re-compile, and excecute.
- Throw holy water on the terminal.
- Dial 911 and scream.
- There is rumour that "printf" is useful, but this is probably unfounded.
- Port everything to CP/M.
- If it still doesn't work, re-write it in assembler. This won't fix the bug, but it will make sure no one else finds it and makes you look bad.
Truth in Advertising
Some unidentified financial institution decided to mass-mail 2000 of its richest customers, inviting them to buy extra services. One of its computer programmers wrote a program to search through the databases and select its customers automatically. He tested the program with an imaginary customer called Rich Bastard.
Unfortunately, an error resulted in all 2000 letters being addressed "Dear Rich Bastard." The luckless programmer was subsequently fired.
Unfortunately, an error resulted in all 2000 letters being addressed "Dear Rich Bastard." The luckless programmer was subsequently fired.
Funny Unix Commands
% cat "food in cans"
cat: can't open food in cans
% nice man woman
No manual entry for woman.
% rm God
rm: God nonexistent
% ar t God
ar: God does not exist]
% ar r God
ar: creating God
% "How would you rate Quayle's incompetence?
Unmatched ".
% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].
% ^How did the sex change operation go? ^
Modifier failed.
% If I had a ( for every $ the Congress spent, what
would I have?
Too many ('s.
% make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.
% sleep with me
bad character
% got a light?
No match.
% man: why did you get a divorce? man::
Too many arguments.
% !:say, what is saccharine?
Bad substitute.
% %blow
%blow: No such job.
$ PATH=pretending!/usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!
cat: can't open food in cans
% nice man woman
No manual entry for woman.
% rm God
rm: God nonexistent
% ar t God
ar: God does not exist]
% ar r God
ar: creating God
% "How would you rate Quayle's incompetence?
Unmatched ".
% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].
% ^How did the sex change operation go? ^
Modifier failed.
% If I had a ( for every $ the Congress spent, what
would I have?
Too many ('s.
% make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.
% sleep with me
bad character
% got a light?
No match.
% man: why did you get a divorce? man::
Too many arguments.
% !:say, what is saccharine?
Bad substitute.
% %blow
%blow: No such job.
$ PATH=pretending!/usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!
Self Help
When my printer's type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed me that, probably, the printer only needed to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job myself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
Selasa, 19 Februari 2008
50 Ways to Mess With People in a Computer Lab
- Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
- Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
- When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
- Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
- Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.
- Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.
- Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
- Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
- Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
- Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
- Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
- Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
- Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.
- Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
- Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say "Oops, I forgot."
- Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
- "DISK FIGHT!!!"
- Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
- Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
- If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
- Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
- Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
- When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.
- Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
- Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
- Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.
- If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.
- Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
- Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
- Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
- Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.
- Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
- Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, humits note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
- Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
- Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.
- Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
- When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
- Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
- Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.
- Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
- Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
- Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.
- Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
- See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hang up before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.
- Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
- Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.
- Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.
- Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.
- Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".
- Two words: Tesla Coil.
Abort, Retry, Ignore?
Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary, System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor, Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets. Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer, I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store, Only this and nothing more.
Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing, Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more. But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token. "Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!" One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more, Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion? These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before. Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises. The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more. Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more, >From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending, Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored, Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key. But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before. Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore, Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as hard. I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore. Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations, Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before. Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before. Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted. Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor. And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night. A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core. The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore. Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go. What demonic nether world us wrought where lost data will be stored, Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes? But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more, You will be one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore, Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing, Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more. But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token. "Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!" One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more, Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion? These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before. Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises. The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more. Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more, >From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending, Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored, Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key. But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before. Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore, Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as hard. I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore. Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations, Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before. Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before. Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted. Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor. And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night. A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core. The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore. Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go. What demonic nether world us wrought where lost data will be stored, Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes? But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more, You will be one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore, Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
Acquired Paint Shop Pro Syndrome
The Centre for Disease Control in Atlanta today announced the identification of a new disease.
Tentatively named Acquired Paint Shop Pro Syndrome, the disease is highly infectious. Scientists at CDC say the disease is caused by a bacillus called staphloaibrush because of its brush-like shape. Under the microscope the bacillus is long and slender with a bristle like appendage at one end.
Symptoms of the disease include feverish babbling of words, such as font, blade, image, fill, and talking about invisible friends such as Kittypoo, Luv2pnt,and Qeenfont etc. Additionally, symptoms include feverish trading and storing of filters, masks and plug-ins, and a 'groaning Graphics folder.
The disease is especially dangerous because it cannot only be passed along directly from one infected individual to another, but documented cases have been found where the sufferer caught the disease from reading a tutorial or joining a graphics exchange group.
The CDC says that while the disease is especially prevalent on an Internet Server called America On Line cases have been found on other Servers around the globe.
Family members should be aware that while the disease may occasionally enter remission, it is at present incurable.
The patient should be given a quiet corner with a comfortable chair, ample supply of snack type treats, and good lighting. Interruptions should be minimized.
Tentatively named Acquired Paint Shop Pro Syndrome, the disease is highly infectious. Scientists at CDC say the disease is caused by a bacillus called staphloaibrush because of its brush-like shape. Under the microscope the bacillus is long and slender with a bristle like appendage at one end.
Symptoms of the disease include feverish babbling of words, such as font, blade, image, fill, and talking about invisible friends such as Kittypoo, Luv2pnt,and Qeenfont etc. Additionally, symptoms include feverish trading and storing of filters, masks and plug-ins, and a 'groaning Graphics folder.
The disease is especially dangerous because it cannot only be passed along directly from one infected individual to another, but documented cases have been found where the sufferer caught the disease from reading a tutorial or joining a graphics exchange group.
The CDC says that while the disease is especially prevalent on an Internet Server called America On Line cases have been found on other Servers around the globe.
Family members should be aware that while the disease may occasionally enter remission, it is at present incurable.
The patient should be given a quiet corner with a comfortable chair, ample supply of snack type treats, and good lighting. Interruptions should be minimized.
A lesson in Posting
How many group posters does it take to change a light bulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
53 to flame the spell checkers
41 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...
another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"
109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group
203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped
111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ
44 to ask what is a "FAQ"
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
53 to flame the spell checkers
41 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...
another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"
109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group
203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped
111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ
44 to ask what is a "FAQ"
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....
Langgan:
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